Cautionary tales for adolescents, Fred

And now, another rhyme partly inspired by that great Roman Catholic man of letters, Mr Hilaire Belloc. Although when I was at school, we used to mispronounce his name as Mr Hilarious Bol…well, I don’t need to spell it out here. It was also inspired by my Present Wife’s cousin’s nephew…who had a look of a young Tom Hanks, util he went to the tattooist.

Fred, who had a tattoo on his head, but now he’s dead.

Folks round here remember Fred,

He had Two Faces on his Head.

T’ Front Face wor set up in t’ usual way,

But t’ Face round t’ back wor a Bird of Prey.


Now he’d got his Head Shaved – as wor t’ Fashion,

For Young Men in pursuit of Passion –

But his Facebook Friend, Beverley said,

He looked like Mr Potato Head.


So, he had some Birthday Money and Blew It!

Took his head to t’ Ink Parlour, and said ‘Tattoo It!’

Then Beverley wor all Agog

When she saw his Bird Phizzog.


They met in Blackpool, on a Weekender,

A Tattood Couple on a Bender.

‘It’s Freddy the Eagle!’ she said wit Grin.

His Front Face said, ‘It’s a Peregrine.’


Fred wor Short and Fred wor Slim,

Beverley made Two of him.

He sat on t’ Rail at t’ end of Pier,

Eating a Fish Supper and swigging Beer,


When a Flock of Seagulls swooped on Fred,

Attacking t’ Bird on t’ Back o t’ Head!

But even while her Fred wor Mobbed,

Bev made sure his Fish worn’t Robbed!


Fred Fought On and Gave No Quarter,

Until he Toppled into t’ Water!

Then Onlookers rushed to t’ end o ‘t Pier,

But saw Fred’s Bird Face disappear.


Then t’ Gulls flew off, Quite Satiated.

Bev looked at Fred’s fish…They say she Ate It!

So, don’t choose a Raptor for your Head,

Try a Budgerigar instead!







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