21st Century Man

I had the tune for this and then I dreamt a performance by Mervyn Johns, who played Petula Clarke’s dad in a film. In my dream he sang the song full pelt, accompanied by a kind of jug band, but really BBC orchestra types, in black suits and shirts with wing collars. They repeated the line about seasons and the next line and probably the joined in the chorus. Unfortunately, I didn’t dream the rest of the words. But my own words are inspired by a story I heard about a guy I used to work with, who retired early after his wife died. Eventually he got a companion, Thai I think. His son told him he wouldn’t speak to him again if he married his new partner because he was frittering away his grandchildren’s inheritance.

I start the verses slowly and ask the audience to join in the Chorus.

I’ll tell a tale that starts with ale,

One night I came in from the pub,

And found a note that said, ‘Dear John,

You’ve joined the Singles Club!

I’m sorry, John, I’ve left you.

I’ve found my special one.

And everyone – except you –

Has known that I’ve been carrying on

With Tony, don’t phone me,

We’re touring in a Camper Van.

And as we watch the seasons go,

He’ll help my memories to grow,

‘Cos he’s a late blooming,

Baby booming,

21st Century Man!


Hold hands, last stand,

Living till we drop!

Lad, lass, bus pass,

Till the bell rings: ‘Your Stop!’


My wife had left, and so bereft,

I quit the tele and the pub.

A hand above gave me a shove,

To the 3rd Age Social Club.

My favourite night was Tuesday,

When we did free form dance.

And in ‘Ladies Excuse Me’,

I often thought I’d have a chance,

With Maureen, Doreen,

Sheila, Cynthia or Jan.

And as they watched the seasons go,

I’d help their memories to grow,

I’d be a late blooming,

Baby booming,

21st Century Man!



Don’t try to ring me Maria,

You chose your mother to see.

Since then you’ve hardly been near,

You’ll not get a penny from me!


Now my best bet wor t’ internet,

I set myself up with a hub.

And using Skype, found just my type,

At the World Wide Dating Club.

And now she’s my fiancé,

Although she’s half my age,

(She looks just like Beyonce),

I help to supplement her wage.

Niagara, Viagra,

A honey moon is in the plan.

And as we watch the seasons go,

She’ll help my memories to grow,

I’ll be a late blooming,

Baby booming,

21st Century Man!


(I like the idea that the fiance just might be bogus – despite seeing her on Skype)









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